


To Hold and To Heal

by morebeesthanyoucouldimagine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleep Deprivation, canonverse, ereri canonverse weekend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 02:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10504803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morebeesthanyoucouldimagine/pseuds/morebeesthanyoucouldimagine
Summary: Soldiers fighting in a war don't get good sleep. Soldiers marching home don't get to keep a clear head.After years of being in countless battles, Eren and Levi find themselves broken. And in a time where mental illnesses aren't even close to being understood, let alone treated, they start to rely on each other for help during these dark times in their lives.They just hope that they'll make it through this side by side.





	1. Budding Romance

If Levi were to be honest, he felt scared, agitated, and above all else, lost. He had no idea what to think of his own damn feelings, where they came from, or why they were even there in the first place. He had tried so hard not to get attached, so goddamn hard, all for nothing. What would happen when Eren eventually died like the rest? Levi knew it would only hurt that much more. 

He felt like a goddamn child as he sat at the edge of the bed thinking of ways to overcome his desire as if it was a common cold. He groaned and fell back on the hard bed, knowing that it was impossible to suppress it. He could try to start to hate Eren instead to counter act his true feelings, but Levi didn’t want that. Somehow, Levi wanted these feelings for Eren. Even worse, he wanted Eren to feel the same.

He had tried to convince himself that it was just a mere crush, but crushes don’t last this long without mellowing out. It also didn’t seem to help that Eren had survived this far into the war, as if fate wanted Levi to lower his guard. Levi knew that the moment he found happiness in Eren, one of them would die on the battlefield. That’s simply how his luck worked. 

Levi could remember seeing soldiers die at the hands of titans, leaving behind their hysterical and mourning lovers. Levi didn’t want to be in their place, and he certainly didn’t want to leave someone behind to that fate. 

As Levi stretched out on the bed that he knew he would not be getting much sleep on, he looked up at the ceiling and wondered if being in a relationship was even that great. Gentle touches on the arm, eyes locked together, breathing in each other’s scents, bodies tight in a warm embrace, skin on skin, Eren’s beautiful eyes dancing in the light as he told Levi, “I love you.”

Levi sat up right in his bed with a heavy sigh. He called himself an idiot for trying to convince himself that a relationship with the shifter wasn’t what he wanted. He could almost feel Eren in his arms right now, the look of admiration in his jewel eyes, his brown hair blowing gently in the salty ocean breeze that they had fought so hard to feel on their skin.

Levi groaned and hauled himself out of the bed and onto his feet, his bad ankle throbbing in protest. Yet another problem Levi tried to push into the back of his mind. He could almost hear Eren chastising him and telling his Captain to take better care of his body with worry etched in his face. Levi felt a small smile stretch across his lips. He loved it when Eren tried to take care of him and showed Levi just how much he cared. He tried to ignore the thought that reminded him that Eren nurtured and cared for the rest of the squad too, that Levi wasn’t getting extra attention from Eren.

Levi walked into his private bathroom and turned on his faucet. He cupped his hands under the cold water and bent over the sink to splash his face with the water. He rubbed his hands over his face before planting them firmly on the side of the sink. He watched as the water swirled down the drain. Levi let out a sigh and turned off the faucet before looking up at his reflection in the mirror. The thing that stood out the most was the dark bags under his eyes, reminding him once again that he couldn’t escape the nightmares that plagued his dreams. 

Before they had been the usual nightmares about titans, old memories of friends dying, and what might be his own fate. Those bothered Levi of course, but lately his nightmares had become that much more draining, distressing, and disturbing.

They were about Eren. 

Levi knew that Eren would never betray them, but his nightmares showed him a mirrored world where he was the last remaining soldier, and Eren would hunt him. He always tripped over the same branch, took the same wrong turn, and always ran out of energy and couldn’t run away. He could only lie there paralyzed as the man he loved with all his heart grew closed and closer. He would wake up panting with Eren’s name on his lips. 

Levi knew that Eren was an excellent swimmer, and he had offered to teach Levi on multiple occasions, but his nightmares would depict Eren drowning in the Ocean while Levi stood on the shore powerless to save him. He would fall to the sand sobbing, begging for a way to save Eren, night after night. 

The worst dreams in Levi’s opinion, was when Eren just disappeared in his dream. Sometimes his squad would know who he was talking about when he asked them where Eren was. Other times they would look at him as if he was a mad man, and ask who the hell Eren was. These dreams always felt the most real, each time he woke from them, he had to make sure that they weren’t real. 

Needless to say, Levi had been avoiding sleep. Eren had taken notice of this and urged him to sleep, and Levi wanted to try for him, he really did. But he just couldn’t handle the cruel imaginations that his mind played for him again and again. 

Levi covered his mouth with his hand as he let out a quiet yawn, and sleepily stumbled out of the bathroom. Since going to bed wasn’t an option, he decided to just walk around a bit to try and clear his mind. He knew it would result in failure, but he could at least get fresh air from walking around outside instead of sitting in his room with his head in his hands.

He tried to stay silent as he walked through the hallways, not wanting to disturb those who were lucky enough to be sleeping well. Levi doubt that it was many of them, but he still wanted to be reasonably nice to them. As he opened the door to the outside, a warm breeze invited itself inside and messed up Levi’s hair a little. Levi couldn’t find it in himself to care, instead he felt a little comforted by the breeze as he stepped outside. 

Levi rubbed his eyes as he walked along the dirt path that lead to a nearby like that they often used to gather their water from. Despite its similarities to the ocean in his nightmares, the lake comforted Levi, especially nights like these. He smiled a bit as he looked up at the starlit sky. 

When he felt confused and lost, he looked up at the sky. It comforted him to know that the sky never changed. It was still the same sky that he fought to see when he left the underground, it was the same sky that Isabelle and Farlan adored, and it was still the same sky that would exist after he eventually died. Having one constant was a blessing in a world that was constantly, chaotically spinning towards a hellish demise.

He lowered his gaze to the lake’s water as walked closer. His brows furrowed when he saw the large ripples in the water. It was usually still enough that you could almost use it as a mirror. Levi squinted in the dark as he tried to see what was causing it. He recognized Eren in the water as the moonlight illuminated his outline. 

Levi panicked and realized that this too must be a dream, and that he probably passed out while he was laying on his bed earlier. Had Levi taken a moment to observe a little bit more closely, he might have noticed that Eren was swimming just fine, but panic took over and told Levi that he was drowning just like he had been in so many dreams before. 

Levi took off his cloak before leaping into the water. He didn’t care that he couldn’t swim. He wouldn’t just let Eren drown again without trying to do something, anything. He felt the cold, ink black water engulf him. He tried to keep his mouth shut to conserve his air, but his shock made him gasp. He saw the moon through the water, it illuminated the bubbles that escaped his mouth and robbed him of his breath. He kicked his limbs in each direction, trying to get his head above water. 

Horror sunk in as Levi realized this was simply too real to just be a dream. This was real, and he was about to drown. His eyes grew wide as he was sinking further and further away from the surface. He was probably only a few feet, but it seemed like a mile. Levi lifted one of his hands through the water, reaching up to the night sky above.

In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad of a last sight to see. It was better than seeing the maw of a titan surround him before it would all fade to black. Levi heard something that sounded like screaming from above the water. He couldn’t tell, and his oxygen was starting to run out. He could feel his eyes getting heavy as his body sunk further and further. Levi kept his eyes trained on the sky, and his mind on Eren. See, he was right, one of them was going to die sooner or later. It was easier for Levi to die before Eren suspected anything about his feelings. 

His eyes snapped open as he felt two strong arms hook underneath his arms. Levi felt weightless as he was pulled through the water towards the surface. When his head breached the surface, he spat out the water in his mouth and gasped for air. He felt himself being dragged out of the lake and onto the shore. He still couldn’t see who was saving him, and perhaps if he had been calmer he might have guessed that it was the only other man who was in the lake.

Eren dragged his Captain onto the shore and grabbed the cloak that Levi had left behind minutes before. Water dripped from their hair like a gentle spring shower as Eren wrapped Levi up and held him in his arms as his breathing started to stabilize. Eren supported Levi’s neck and looked into his silver eyes that glowed in the moonlight. Eren would have found it romantic if Levi wasn’t drowning a few seconds ago. 

Once Levi stopped choking and spitting out water, and started breathing easily, Eren helped him to sit up. Eren took a deep breath in and tried to slow his heartbeat. Levi was alive in his arms, he had managed to get there in time.

“A-Are you okay?” Eren quietly asked, he held Levi closer as he started to shiver from the cold.

“Y-yeah.” Levi stammered and tugged his cloak tighter around himself.

Eren let out a sigh of relief and suddenly understood some of Mikasa’s anger. “Thank the walls for that, but what the fuck, Levi? You and I both know you can’t swim! Did you jump in there on purpose to try to drown?”

“I…I-” Levi tried to think of a way to explain his reoccurring nightmares without it sounding too creepy. What kind of soldier would be flattered that their higher up kept dreaming of them drowning? What kind of soldier would feel comfortable knowing that their Captain couldn’t tell reality from a dream? Not to mention how the fuck would Levi explain that he would often just stand there and watch Eren drown? Levi decided to keep his mouth shut instead. He immediately regretted it when he saw tears prick the corners of Eren’s eyes.

“Levi…” Eren whimpered, fearing the worst. “Please, talk to me about this.” Eren grabbed Levi’s shaking hand. “We all need you here, Levi. Especially Hanji, they haven’t been the same since Erwin and Moblit…” The shifter gulped and shook his head. “I need you here with me, Levi. I can’t lose you too.”

“It… It wasn’t like that…” Levi whispered and looked down. “I’ve been having dreams lately, they always end with people dying. I thought you were drowning.”

“So you were willing to throw yourself away? Levi there was no way you could have saved me even if I was drowning!” Eren huffed and stood up, carrying Levi back to the base. “What the fuck were you thinking? When’s the last time you actually slept?”

“I can’t remember.” Levi sighed in Eren’s arms. If it hadn’t been a matter of life or death, Levi might have described Eren as a mother scolding her child, but he could hear the hurt in Eren’s voice. He knew that the water dripping off of Eren’s face was too warm to be from the lake. He had fucked up thoroughly. “Let’s just pretend this didn’t happen…”

“Levi, I can’t just do that! I have to make sure you get your rest for fuck’s sake! I can’t let you continue being so sleep deprived, you’re a danger to yourself and us.” Eren sighed and held the door open with his foot as he pulled Levi inside. 

Levi had expected him to just drop him off at his office, but Eren walked past that hallway and into the kitchen. The room was nearly completely dark except for the moon’s light through the window. Eren helped Levi to sit down in a chair before grabbing a match box from one of the cabinets and lighting the stubby candle that was next to it. 

Levi shivered a little bit in his chair as enough wave of chills hit him, but he could feel himself starting to heat up as he realized that he hadn’t noticed Eren wasn’t wearing clothes. It made sense of course, it’s not like any of them had fancy bathing clothes like the nobles did. Eren probably walked to lake naked and had to run back naked.

Levi tried to look away from the water running down Eren’s muscles as he glowed in the candle light. Levi bit his lips as Eren ran a hand through his wet sopping hair and tilted his head back.

Yeah, that whole idea that he could convince himself that a relationship with Eren wouldn’t be good? Yeah, he was so fucking wrong.

He managed to pull his gaze away before Eren glanced back at him. Eren sighed and shook his head before crouching down to grab one of the logs from the wire wood pile that was next to the cabinet. He gently placed it in the stove and used another match to light it. Eren held his hands up to the growing flame and appreciated the heat. 

He walked back over to Levi and helped him out of the chair and told him to stand in front of the fire while he went to go get some clothes. Levi nodded in understanding, and felt a little better about the situation. He might still be causing Eren some grief, but at least he isn’t awkwardly staring at his ass now.

Eren returned quickly. His fluffy and slightly damp hair showed that he had quickly toweled off and wanted to rush back, but the extra set of clothes in his arms showed that he took the time to think about Levi. 

The Captain gratefully took the dry clothes from him and Eren helped him to peel off the wet clothes that clung to his body like a second skin. Levi willed himself not to blush as Eren unbuttoned his shirt, as he helped him pull of one of his pantlegs. In Levi’s mind it was almost romantic how Eren was undressing him by a small fire. In reality both of them were struggling and Levi needed to flail his body parts weirdly in order to get out of his clothes while Eren didn’t make eye contact. 

Once Levi’s uniform was off, Eren handed him the dry clothes and opened one of the cabinets and pulled out a metal kettle. He placed it in the sink and started to fill it up as Levi pulled his pants up and slipped on one of Eren’s shirts. It was much larger than what he was used to, Eren had grown to be much taller than him in the last three years. But at this moment in time, Levi really appreciated how much longer it was, and how his arms seemed to disappear in the sleeves. 

Once the kettle was filled, Eren put it on the hook over the fire. He didn’t say a word as he went back to the cabinet and started to look through Levi’s stash of tea. It was hard to read the labels with the little light he had, but eventually he found the box he needed.

It was a small blue tin, a little white piece of parchment said “Chamomile” surrounded by little white flowers on the side of the tin. Eren stared at it for a while before turning it over in his hands a few times and turned to Levi.

“My… my mother used to make me some chamomile tea when I had nightmares. I don’t know how much it will help, but it’s worth a shot.” Eren shrugged and opened the tin. “Plus a hot beverage will do you good right now, I can still see you shivering over there.” Levi shuffled a little closer to the fire, thankful that Eren was the nurturing type.

“Thank you, Eren, for all of this…” Levi whispered, staring into the fire as it consumed the log and turned it to ash. Eren carefully measured the proper amount of tea for two mugs, and grabbed some mitts. Levi stepped aside so that Eren could take the kettle off the hook right as it was about to whistle and wake everyone in the building.

Eren poured the boiling water into each of the mugs and lead Levi over to one of the tables. When he put the mugs down he quickly grabbed the candle sitting on top of the cabinet and placed it between them. 

Levi wrapped his hands around the mug and sighed happily at the heat that radiated off of it. Eren opened his mouth as he tried to find the words to say, but took a little bit of time. “I…I feel weird to be the one to lecture you on this, Captain.” He admitted, but Levi waved him off.

“Eren you saved my stupid ass from drowning, you can call me by my first name.” The Captain said as he wrapped his fingers around the brim of the mug. Eren nodded in understanding and said the name to himself quietly, as if he was unsure.

“Levi, we all have nightmares in the Survey Corps, and I’m sure that they plague you the worst. But you still need to sleep, you can’t be there to take care of yourself if you’re this sleep deprived. I’m sure you know that already, but you’re sure as hell not acting like it. Half the time I look at you, it looks like you have a black eye, but when I get closer I realize it’s just the bags under your eyes. I’m…We’re all worried about you, Levi.”

Levi remained silent, thinking about Eren’s words as he took a sip of the scalding hot beverage. He winced and put the mug down on the table. “Eren, why were you out at the lake?”

Eren sighed and chose to stare at the candle, rather than Levi’s eyes. “Same reason as you I guess. I woke up from a nightmare and needed to clear my mind. The water’s always been soothing for me.” Eren’s brows furrowed and he looked back into Levi’s silver eyes. “I had dreamt that you had died, I can’t remember how you died, but I remember watching it. When you jumped into the lake, I just…”

Levi put his hand over Eren’s. “I’m here Eren, I’m safe. It was just a nightmare.”

“My life isn’t worth yours, Levi.” Eren whispered catching Levi off guard. “You almost died because you wanted to save me in your dream.”

“And I’d do the same in real life.” Levi tried to pick his mug back up and successfully took a sip without burning his tongue. 

“I wouldn’t forgive you if you did.” Eren whispered as he felt tears build up in his eyes again. “You have to keep living, Levi. I need you to live a long life.”

“I’m already and old ass.” Levi reassured him. “You’re young, you’ve got your life to live.”

“Levi, you don’t understand. I need you to keep on going. The thought of you being dead, I just…” Eren blinked as a few tears ran down his cheek. Levi squeezed his hand a little bit. “Levi, I… I love you.”

Levi’s eyes widened and he cupped Eren’s cheek and wiped away his tears with his thumb. “Say it again.”

“I love you.” Eren repeated, looking deep into Levi’s eyes, almost begging for him to feel the same way. Eren knew that Levi’s eyes held the key to understanding most of what he was feeling, and all he saw in them right now was joy. “I love you, Levi.” He gave a breathy, relieved laugh. A small smile stretched across Levi’s face, as Eren blinked a few more tears away. Eren leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Levi smiled against Eren’s soft lips and pulled Eren closer to him as their lips separated. Eren’s blush was visible despite the fact that the candle was starting to burn out. 

“I love you too, Eren.” Levi took Eren’s hand in his and looked into Eren’s vibrant eyes. He sighed happily and rested his head on Eren’s shoulder. The shifter rubbed Levi’s back and smiled.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed.” Eren took Levi’s hand and helped him on to his feet. “I don’t know if you have enough blankets to keep warm tonight. Maybe I could lend you my body heat?” Eren shrugged and kissed Levi’s forehead.

“Yeah, I’d like that…” Levi pulled Eren back down into a kiss. It wasn’t nearly the same as the chaste kiss that they shared earlier. Eren held Levi tight in his arms, as if he was about to disappear. The Captain tried to show just how much he needed Eren in the kiss. His fingers ran through Eren’s hair and gently tugged on them as Eren ran his tongue over Levi’s bottom lip. Levi gasped and he took the opportunity to push his tongue in. Levi groaned and pushed back against Eren’s tongue.

Eren eventually pulled away when his lungs started to burn. He rested his head against Levi’s and panted gently. Levi took Eren’s hand and they walked together through the hallways, forgetting entirely about their barely touched mugs of tea. The floor creaked under their feet as they hurried of to Levi’s bed, giggling and smiling as they finally opened the door to Levi’s office. 

Levi pulled Eren in with him and dragged him into his connected bedroom. As soon as they were in, Eren pushed Levi up against the door and slotted their lips together again. He started to mouth at Levi’s neck, lapping and nibbling at Levi’s flesh. 

“Eren, we’re supposed to be sleeping…” Levi panted and tried to push Eren off. Eren pulled away, and pushed Levi onto the bed. Levi pressed one last chaste kiss to Eren’s cheek before cuddling up next to him to steal his warmth. “Sleep well, Eren.” 

Eren gave him a lazy, content grin. “Sleep well, Levi.” When his Captain rolled over onto his side to get comfortable, Eren shimmied closer and laid an arm over Levi’s so that he could feel that Levi was there throughout the night. Eren’s eyes grew heavy as he felt his body sink and melt in Levi’s bed. It was much softer than anything the lower ranks had. His breathing started to even out as he let his dreams take him.

As midnight turned into dawn, Eren blinked his eyes opened and smiled. He didn’t have a single nightmare while Levi was in his arms.


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And yet, despite the fact that people congratulated them and made jokes about it, Eren and Levi thought they were slick enough that they had kept their relationship a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have much time to edit this ;;  
> Enjoy some dorks who think they can keep their relationship a secret

No matter how hard they tried, they could barely keep their hands off each other when they were alone. Maybe it was just the fact that both of them had been so lonely for so long. Of course they had their comrades and friends, but it was just different. They didn’t even have to actually speak to know what was on the other’s mind. Most of their time was spent in silence, well when they weren’t giggling of course. 

And another benefit of all of this was that Eren got to hear Levi’s melodious laughter every now and then. His once stone faced, monotone Captain was opening up to him like a beautiful and rare flower. Eren felt like the luckiest man in the world because of it. To feel Levi’s hand in his own, to see Levi’s radiant smile, to feel his lips brush against his cheek, to know that Eren was the only one that got to feel his love, it was intoxicating. 

To hell with paperwork. Levi left most of it half-finished these days, he chose to be with Eren instead. Who knows how long they had with each other, they tried to take every single moment they could. It was the first week of their relationship, and things would probably calm down after their relationship grew and they no longer felt the need to confirm their relationship by seeing each other every moment of the day. Also, Hanji would probably start to yell at Levi to get his fucking work done. But for now they were practically glued together when they weren’t training. 

Eren kept getting weird looks in the morning when people realized that he hadn’t slept in the barracks with them, but he was so lost in his own little world. Mikasa had her ideas about what might be going on, but Eren didn’t seem like he was in immediate danger, so she decided to let it slide and question him later.

But as much as people noticed Eren’s better attitude and sappy smile on his face, people noticed Levi’s change in attitude much more. A cadet had tracked dirt in all over the freshly cleaned floor, and Levi had told him not to worry about it. Theories started to back and forth about whether or not their Captain had been replaced with a not quite as impulsively hygienic clone. Sure, it was ridiculous, but considering everything else that was happening to them, it was a possibility. Sometimes it just felt like whatever cruel deity existed just made shit up as it went along. More rational members of the Survey Corps just assumed that Levi was also lost in a happier world of his own. And the eye contact that he was having with Eren was sure as fuck not professional.

Thankfully, most soldiers didn’t really care about it and didn’t take more than three seconds to think about it. Some argued that it would make Levi favor Eren, but then again he did that even before they started fucking. In all honesty, the only one who wasn’t happy for them was Hanji. And that was only because Levi wasn’t doing his fucking paper work and they had to badger him for it. 

They were finding it harder and harder to fill the gap that Erwin left in the corps. Hanji was a skilled tactician and could order troops with ease, but doing the extra paperwork, and looking through paperwork that other people turned into them, was just draining. No wonder Erwin was such a stickler for getting papers in on time. Hanji’s sleep cycle had somehow managed to get even more fucked up, and having to do Levi’s paper work for him wasn’t helping them at all. As a friend, they were happy for him, but as his superior they were agitated. 

And yet, despite the fact that people congratulated them and made jokes about it, Eren and Levi thought they were slick enough that they had kept their relationship a secret. It was even more painful when both of them tried to make up logical excuses so that they could leave and make out somewhere. Levi was more vague and indirect about it, but Eren stammered and stalled when he tried to come up with an excuse. Which was surprising considering how good of a liar Eren could be sometimes.

They thought no one had a single idea about their relationship despite the loud groaning that periodically came out of Levi’s office and some of the cleaning closets, the bright red hickeys on Levi’s neck, and their hair that was always tousled and bent at the oddest angles. 

Yeah, their relationship sure was a secret, just the poorest kept secret in the military.

As annoying as it was to see Levi and Eren sneaking around just to whisper sweet nothings in the other’s ear, it would be more annoying to have them completely open about their relationship and making out during dinner. So, soldiers never flat out told them that they knew already. Mikasa was close to yelling at Eren to stop making stupid excuses though. 

Every time he tried to claim that he needed to leave to go clean something that he cleaned five minutes ago, Mikasa shook her head and almost felt offended that Eren thought she would believe something like that. What was worse was when Eren said that he needed to go do some “paperwork” on Levi’s desk. Everyone in the room would cringe as they all formed a mental picture that they never wanted to see in the first place.

It was starting to start get more and more obvious as the week wore on. Hushed giggles from Captain Levi’s office, hand holding when they thought they were alone, those longing looks from across the courtyard, it all felt like some romance novel that a teenager wrote when they felt lonely and desperate for love. It made Armin feel queasy looking at how cheesy it all was.

They weren’t the only couple in the Survey Corps, but they were just so awkward to be around for some reason. Maybe it was because they were too oblivious to see how obvious their relationship was, or maybe it was because it was Captain Levi and no one had ever seen him like this. After five months or so, people would start to pick up on the subtle parts of his personality or actions and be able to tell what kind of mood he was in and how to avoid any trouble with him.

But there wasn’t a protocol for what to do when Levi seemed to be without a care in the world. No one knew if they should act casual with him or try to keep treating him like the Captain they knew. Unfortunately, his status as “Humanity’s Strongest” had made him less human in humanity’s eyes. Few people felt comfortable accepting the fact that Levi could be happy like them, they had been comfortable with the idea of a stone faced soldier that could bear inhuman amounts of pain. It was easier for them to think that he was some sort of creature that could see his friends and allies be killed by titans, and feel nothing. He had always been human of course, but bearing a life time of mistreatment and pain made it easier to hide his human frailties. 

Levi was hope in their eyes. He was supposed to be the one without human feelings, he was supposed to be the one who could keep going when no one else could because he didn’t have a beating, human heart like they did. It let citizens and soldiers alike feel better when they put such a large burden on him. Maybe that’s why Eren and Levi truly understood each other.

But now that people were starting to see that Levi was just as human as the rest of them, capable of feeling happiness and joy when he sees Eren across the hall, capable of showing sadness when he hasn’t seen Eren in over an hour, capable of being human.

Their relationship was uncomfortable because it was a waking up point for soldiers around them, as they started to see Captain Levi completely differently, but also Eren and Levi were being huge oblivious dorks to it all. Aside from being attacked, the Survey Corps came to fear one thing. Walking in on them. It didn’t matter if it was walking in on them making out, or walking in on them making love. 

There was just another level of unease that would make it ten times worse than walking in on anyone else. A lot of people viewed Captain Levi like a father figure. Most people didn’t live with their parents long enough to ever have the horrifying experience of walking in on their parents, so this was the equivalent of that.

Armin sighed as he left Commander Hanji’s office. He rubbed his eyes wearily and let out a yawn as he shuffled down the corridor past the other offices of the Survey Corps higher ups. He held Levi’s papers to his chest as he stopped in front of Erwin’s old office. It was customary for the next commander to take that office, but Hanji couldn’t bring themself to move anything out of the room. It was left the way it was three years ago. Levi was the only one that went in and moved things around to clean from time to time. Even that was rare, as he didn’t want to disturb the reverent atmosphere in the room. He just simply dusted things and cleaned the windows so that the memories of Erwin didn’t tarnish with time.

Armin placed his hand on the wooden door way as he looked inside. He sighed again and rested his forehead against the doorframe and let his eyes slip shut. Eren sure as hell wasn’t the only soldier that had developed feelings for their superior. 

There were so many wounds that couldn’t be healed in three years. 

He stood there for a moment before he opened his eyes and kept walking down the hallway. Levi’s office wasn’t that far away, and he just wanted to drop off Hanji’s papers and go on his merry way to breakfast. 

He glanced out one of the windows he walked by and saw the sun rising in the bright orange, spring sky. Birds were singing and chirping as the last remnants of winter withered away. Armin found their songs to be too fucking annoying at this time of day. Why were birds allowed to scream in the morning, but he couldn’t? He was the one with real problems.

Armin gently knocked on Captain Levi’s door and picked at his finger nails while he waited for a response. He could hear hushed voices from behind the door, and he tried to pretend not to hear Eren’s voice slurred along with Levi’s. It sounds like they had just woken up in each other’s arms.

Armin knocked again after a few minutes to remind them that he was outside the office door. He heard scrambling and a sharp shut of a bedroom door as Levi opened up the office door an inch. 

“What do you need?” Levi’s words weren’t drenched in exhaustion like they usually were, which was pretty odd to begin with. What was more odd, but perhaps to be expected, was the fact that Armin was ninety-nine percent sure Captain Levi was hiding naked behind the door. Armin kind of appreciated the fact that he had rushed to the door to answer, but would have preferred that Levi took the extra few minutes to put some damn pants on.

“Commander Hanji needs you to fill these out, sir.” Armin tried to hand Levi the papers through the door, but Levi was hesitant to grab them. Perhaps there was something on Captain Levi’s hand that-

No, Armin, don’t even go there, he thought to himself. That was a whole other rabbit hole of a thought process that he refused to go down.

“Just leave them on my desk.” Levi left the door slightly opened and hurried back to his connected bedroom. Armin sighed in relief and waited a few seconds before pushing the door open wider and walking into Levi’s impeccably clean office. He had intended to just drop the papers off and leave, but a little bird sitting in Captain Levi’s window sill distracted him. It was a beautiful crimson cardinal that had caught his eye. 

Armin smiled and stood there awhile appreciating it, despite the fact that those same birds had aggravated the hell out of him a minute ago, Armin took a few steps forward and saw that there was a berry in its mouth. At least one of them was able to eat already.

The bird tweeted before fluttering off when it got startled by Levi’s bedroom door opening. He heard Eren’s squeal before he could even turn to see his friend standing there stark naked.  
Armin’s eyebrows furrowed as Eren tried to cover himself with his hands. He was acting as if this was the first time he had seen Eren naked. They took communal showers every other day. It wasn’t like Armin had purposely checked out Eren’s body, but after showering next to each other so much, Armin was familiar with what Eren looked like naked. It wasn’t a big deal at all, and yet Eren was freaking out.

“A-Armin! You’re supposed to be at breakfast!” Eren stammered as he tried to hide behind Levi’s bedroom door. 

Armin decided that, yes, he was supposed to be at breakfast. He would deal with this shit later, right now he needed some goddamn food. It’s all he wanted. So he just lazily dropped the papers on Levi’s desk and left.

Eren sighed in relief when he heard the door shut. He stepped into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist as his Captain brushed his teeth. “I think Armin might be on to us.” Levi choked on the toothpaste in his mouth and quickly spat it out in the sink.

“Shit, is he really?” Levi’s brows furrowed as he splashed some cool water on his face. “I guess it’s not surprising, considering he’s always been a step ahead of the rest.”  
“That’s true, but we’ve been so good at not getting caught.” Eren rested his head on his lover’s shoulder and squeezed Levi’s waist a little.

“I don’t think it’s a problem if they know. I mean the reason we’re doing this is so that people don’t get the idea that I can’t uphold the promise I made when you were put in my care.” Levi softly whispered, and let out a heavy breath just thinking of the idea that he might have to be the one to kill Eren should he lose control. But so long as Eren didn’t lose control then everything would work out, right? “I don’t think that they would tell other people, they’re too smart and aware to do that. They wouldn’t want to put us in harm’s way, Eren.”

“I know that, but if it’s easy enough for Armin to walk in on me naked in your bedroom, how easy is it for someone else to? Not everyone is going to think that you’d be willing to put me down if-“ Levi interrupted Eren by gently pulling his arms off from around his waist.

“Eren, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. C-can we just get dressed and go get something for breakfast?” Eren nodded and picked his pants off the floor and sat down on their bed to put them on. He quickly slipped his shirt over his head and helped Levi button up his shirt. When he finished buttoning Levi’s top button, he leaned down a little and kissed Levi’s nose. It helped to ease the frown on Levi’s face.

Levi pulled Eren into a gentle hug before taking his hand and leading him out of his office and into the hallway. Eren broke the peaceful silence to talk to Levi about the weird dream he had the night before. They hadn’t been having nightmares for the last few nights and they were so very relieved. However, they weren’t having happy dreams either. Just really weird ones. But at least they were amusing enough to talk to other people about. 

When they stepped into the dining area, they noticed a few eyes on them, so Levi quickly dropped Eren’s hand and walked briskly to get in line for breakfast before the food was gone. Eren sighed and looked down at his now empty hand before walking to get in line behind his Captain. 

If it weren’t for his stupid fucking titan powers, then he could be with Levi and not have to worry about hiding their relationship. But Eren’s eyes widened a little when he realized that he probably wouldn’t be with Levi without them. He might not have even survived this long in the Survey Corps to still be standing beside Levi right now. He wouldn’t have been put under Levi if it weren’t for his titan powers. He might not even have survived those three years of training without his titan powers.

As Eren grabbed his food to eat, it also dawned on him that he might not even understand Levi the way he does now. He grew close to Levi because they both understood the burden of being hope for all of humanity. Levi understood what it was like to be viewed as something other than human, something that was just supposed to take the pain of countless deaths and battles. Levi and Eren understood each other in a powerful way because of Eren’s titan powers. 

And in the course of five minutes or so, Eren started to see his powers a little differently. He still wasn’t quite happy about them, but at least being with Levi was one of the benefits of it all. Eren couldn’t say that Levi was worth all the pain that he had experienced because of his shifting ability. He loved Levi, but he just couldn’t say that Levi made it all worth it just yet. If they won this war, then it would be, but for now Eren was willing to bear the burden a little bit longer just so long as Levi was there with him.

He sat down next to Levi and rested his hand on Levi’s knee while he ate his breakfast. He noticed Mikasa glance at his hand and Eren froze in panic. She had obviously seen what he was doing, so why wasn’t she shocked in the slightest. It was almost as if she had seen him do it before.

Wait. Oh Shit.

“Fuck.” Eren nearly choked on his stale bread when he realized that he had been putting his hand on Levi’s knee all week, and people had seen. He thought back to all the other times he and Levi were trying to be covertly romantic, and he realized just how obvious they were. He hadn’t paid attention to other people’s reactions at the time, since he was focused on Levi, but now that he thought about it he realized that it seemed that pretty much everyone didn’t react to them. It was almost as if they were all aware of his little secret. Levi sent a concerned glance his way, and Eren shook his head. Levi raised a brow but continued eating and playfully nudged Eren’s foot with his own. 

If no one had mentioned that they already knew about their relationship, there was probably a good reason for that. Eren trusted his friends to keep important secrets safe, he knew that they wouldn’t tell the wrong people. Eren took another bite of his food and sent Levi a smile. Their relationship was probably safer than they had realized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was shorter, but tomorrow's is over 7k.


	3. The Ocean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They had had their fair share of fights, nights when they thought that their relationship was over, nights when they wondered if they would be better off with other people. Eren didn’t feel proud of those nights, but he knew that every little crack in their relationship would heal and make it stronger. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might get angsty, but I promise it ends well!

Eren let out a sigh of happiness when the familiar salt filled air ran through his hair. He slowly blinked his eyes open and gazed out at the perfect blue waves that lapped at the shoreline below him. His knees groaned in protest as he stood up. He remembered when he was a kid and he could stand up with no pain at all, and envied his younger years. Sure, he was only twenty-three now, but being in the Survey Corps for nearly a decade made his joints stiff. Thankfully Armin had learned how to make some good painkilling medicine from Hanji, before Hanji had left to join all the other soldiers that had fallen before them.

It had been a dark day for Levi, and Eren almost lost him that night. Thank the walls that he was there to talk Levi out of doing anything drastic. He couldn’t imagine how the Corps would feel if they held a funeral for both Commander Hanji and Captain Levi at once. It would have been heartbreaking.

But, Levi was still there, even after all these years. Levi made it clear to Eren that he was only trying to stay alive just to be there for Eren. It wasn’t exactly a healthy mentality, but Eren appreciated it none the less. Besides, it’s not like having a relationship between two very damaged people was going to be perfect in every single way.

They had had their fair share of fights, nights when they thought that their relationship was over, nights when they wondered if they would be better off with other people. Eren didn’t feel proud of those nights, but he knew that every little crack in their relationship would heal and make it stronger. Right?

Eren let out a sigh and hoped so. After the war had ended, he had expected their relationship to be smooth sailing, but it got harder. Eren had started to wonder if they only got together because of the Survey Corps. And the startling fact was, they had. Being in the Survey Corps is what brought them together, it was one of the key foundations in their relationship. When the Survey Corps disbanded, Eren and Levi quickly realized they needed to find homes to live in, as the Corps were their only homes for nearly a decade. 

Eren had wanted to look for housing together with Levi, but Levi didn’t want Eren to live in the same house with him just yet. Levi had never had a true house that he could call his own, and he wanted one to be alone with for a while. After the war, Levi just wanted to be alone in general. He started to shut everyone out. There weren’t many people left for him to shut out though.

Eren tried to visit him, but Levi wouldn’t open the fucking door. In exasperation, his anger made him shout and call Levi terrible things that he regretted, and felt like he could never truly apologize for. They both needed to recover from the war. They were both scarred mentally, Levi was marred physically, Eren not so much thanks to his titan powers. Levi needed to retreat into his house in order to try and heal, but Eren needed people around him he needed his friends now more than ever. Eren couldn’t see just how much Levi was in pain, he only thought that Levi was just shoving him out of his life to hurt him more.

It took Levi a year to start coming out of his house for reasons other than food and other necessities. Mikasa was the first person he reached out to, he sent her a letter asking her how she had been. Levi almost wanted to ask how Eren was, since rumors had it that Eren was living with her now, but he remembered the months were Eren would come to his door on the verge of tears and beg Levi to open the door. How could he face Eren after keeping him out of his life like that? Levi tossed the letter out and rewrote it, only asking questions about Mikasa and Armin and how they were doing.

When the letter was delivered Mikasa called Eren in to read it. Eren waited patiently for the letter to mention anything about him, anything saying whether or not Levi still loved him. But when Mikasa finished reading it out loud, she just gave Eren a sad look when her eyes met his hopeful ones. Mikasa opened her mouth to speak, but Eren got up without a word and left the room. 

Mikasa bit her lip in worry and sat down to write a letter back to Levi. She made sure to answer his questions about herself and Armin, but she also wrote about how Eren was doing. She tried not to get angry or bitter in her letter, and if it was anyone else, she would have gone directly to their house and kicked the door down. But she knew that Levi wasn’t the type to reach out to people when he was hurting, instead he preferred to isolate himself. She would be lying if she didn’t feel the same sometimes.

She herself mourned the loss of what Eren and Levi had. They seemed like they understood each other perfectly, they seemed happy together for the most part, to see them shattered apart so harshly like this made everyone miserable. 

After the letter, Mikasa noticed that Eren showed up in their shared house less and less. She grew to worry, but didn’t know how to voice her concerns like she used to. Eren just seemed so fragile and angry these days. During the war, he had grown to be numb, but now everything he couldn’t process in the war was starting to wash back over him. He began to lash out about a month or so after giving up on Levi opening up to him. He never got physically violent, but Mikasa still worried about him. 

They were all broken in their own different ways, not sure whether or not they should move on from each other, but their own brokenness kept them apart in ways that they couldn’t have expected. Mikasa wanted to be there for her brother like she always had, but she wanted to live her own life. She wanted to have her own family. And living with her brother who was suffering from the burden of traumatic stress wasn’t going to make that easy.

She sometimes got mad that Levi didn’t just take Eren off her hands after the war. She loved her brother, but dealing with him and dealing with her own demons was just too much sometimes. She couldn’t support all the weight of her family. Sometimes she still felt like a small girl lost in the messy world she was born into.

While Levi became a recluse and Eren’s anger controlled him even more, Mikasa just grew numb. It was harder for people to notice since Mikasa never really wore her heart on her sleeve in the first place. She had started to just passively accept what was happening around her. Her stubborn, rebellious spark had been drowned by her own depression and she struggled to feel much of anything.

She tried to go out on a date with some guy she met from the marketplace, but he had made a remark about her blank expression, quiet voice, and passiveness as being “cute” and “feminine”. Mikasa slapped that sexist pig across the face and promptly left their date and walked all the way back to the house she shared with Eren. It was about five miles away and the nice looking shoes were cutting into her heel the entire way. 

She crawled into her bath tub to wash her bloody feet and felt tears prick her eyes. She knew better than guessing that she was crying over that douche bag, she was crying about every damn thing all at once. She sat in the tub with her dress still on and just started to sob for the first time in years. It was almost painful as she finally let everything out. Everything had just felt gray to her for so long, that when she finally felt blue, she didn’t know how to handle it.

She was very fucking lucky that Eren had simmered down since that morning, and over heard her crying. He opened her bathroom door slowly and stepped into the room and kneeled next to the tub and pulled her into a hug and let her sob into his shoulder. He gently stroked her back and felt tears well up in his own eyes.

They didn’t mention any of that to each other the next day.

Eren splashed cold water on his face the next morning and looked at his reflection in his broken mirror. He had broken it a week ago after getting into a one-sided argument with Mikasa over rent. Neither of them could really seem to keep a job with their mental conditions. And unfortunately, despite all the technological advancements, the walled colonies still didn’t know much about mental illnesses so it wasn’t like the veterans were getting the therapy they needed and they sure as hell weren’t getting help joining the “real” world again. 

Thankfully, they were financially rewarded for their victories in the war. For the newer soldiers who weren’t as scarred as they were, it was perfect. An assload of cash for less than a year’s worth of fighting. But for people like Levi, who had survived the Survey Corps longer than anyone else had, it just wasn’t worth it and the money didn’t get them that far. Many soldiers spent their “fortunes” on substances to try and drown their demons and memories. About seventeen percent of the veterans died of overdosing on drugs or alcohol. 

Jean had come close to dying of alcohol poisoning when Eren found him with his face in the gutter one night when he was trying to walk off some of his anger. He quickly rushed his friend to the nearest doctor. The doctor barely managed to save him, but the procedure and medicine ended up taking what was left of Jean’s fortune. But at least Jean had his family to lean back on. He moved back in with his mother and stayed with her as he got back on his feet. Eren wished he could be so lucky.

Eren eventually stopped staring at his broken image in the mirror and left the bathroom and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. He passed by Mikasa sitting in an armchair staring out a window, expressionless. He wanted to reach out to her, but decided not to. He had lost his ability to really soothe her, he knew that he was a drain on her life. He wondered for a few months whether or not he should stay with her, for a while he thought that if he left she would surely follow so he just stayed there. But as he looked into Mikasa’s changed behavior, he realized that Mikasa probably would not leave, and she was probably better off without him. But there wasn’t much he could really do unless he wanted to live out on the streets instead. 

His titan powers had healed his broken neck when he had tried to fix the problem the same way other veterans had tried before. After his neck finished steaming, he was left dangling from the ceiling by his rope. He spent an hour trying to untie the rope. He felt like a fucking fool for thinking that suicide was going to help him.

Eren sighed and pulled a glass out of the cupboard and filled it up in their sink. He took a sip before turning around and seeing an opened letter on the counter. He put his cup down on the kitchen table and picked the torn envelope up and immediately recognized Levi’s handwriting. So he had reached out to Mikasa again, perhaps Levi was actually starting to heal. 

Lucky him.

Eren saw that Levi told Mikasa not to show the letter to anyone else, but Eren couldn’t find it in himself to care. Levi opened up the letter talking about day to day shit and small talk, surprising for Levi since he didn’t know how to do that well. But then Levi got deeper and asked Mikasa about the depression she had talked about in her previous letter. Eren’s brows furrowed and wondered just how long Mikasa and Levi had been communicating behind his back, instead of wondering how his own sister was doing. Eren let out a dry laugh when he read how Levi was surprised that he was living with Mikasa. Apparently, Levi had hoped he would have moved into a house by the ocean. 

So, Levi thought Eren didn’t have a care in the damn world, huh? Eren frowned as Levi went on about how caring and optimistic he used to be. 

Eren let the letter slip through his fingers as he felt his anger boil up in his skin. He stormed back up the stairs and slammed his bedroom door. When Mikasa turned her head to see the letter on the floor, she just buried her head in her hands and wished that this would all be over soon. Somehow, she longed for the days of the war. Somehow, things were better then.

Eren expected himself to go into a rage when he entered his room, but instead the moment his door shut, he covered his mouth and broke down to tears. His anger dissolved into guilt and weighed his heart down as he pressed his back against the wall and slid down onto the wood floor. Despite all that Levi went through, he seemed like he was recovering much faster than he was. Then again, was Eren even trying to recover, or was he just existing at this point. He wasn’t sure anymore.

He needed to leave Mikasa, he needed to let her go. It used to be that Mikasa was almost dependent on being around him, but now it seemed that Eren was dependent on being around her, and she was starting to whiter.

He needed to leave these walls, there were too many memories, too much pain, too much worry about money. Eren wiped his eyes and looked up at his ceiling and saw the wooden support beam that still had bits of rope stuck in its coarse edges. He wondered how easy it would be to build a house on one of the ocean cliffs. The change of pace and scenery would do him well. 

He pushed himself off the ground and walked over to his dresser and slid out the top drawer. He pushed his socks out of the way and grabbed the little iron tin that Connie had made for him out of broken swords from the war. Eren wasn’t sure what symbolism he was trying to go with there, but it looked beautiful none the less. Eren opened it and counted what was left of the fortune he was given. There wasn’t much left. 

Eren sighed and did his best to estimate how much it would cost to get transport out to the ocean and to buy some tools so he could try to build a house out there. Maybe he could use his titan form to help with the process. He looked at what was left after that and felt it was just barely enough to help Mikasa try and get a family started. That’s what she had always wanted, right?

Eren rubbed a hand through his hair and wondered how the fuck could he just leave her after all this time. Could he keep it together to try and physically talk to her about it? Eren didn’t know if he could do that, but leaving her a note and nothing more be enough? No.

Eren sighed and wondered just how the fuck he could just tell his sister that he was leaving. I mean, he wasn’t dying, and she could visit him as much as she wanted, but he didn’t think he would visit her for a while. She deserved a break from him. 

Eren sat on his bed and thought this over. Was this the right thing to do? He’s made so many mistakes in his life, he doesn’t want this to be another one. He didn’t want to hurt Mikasa in the process either. No, Mikasa definitely needed a life without him for a while. 

Eren made up his mind rather quickly, and rather impulsively, but he was going off of what Levi thought of him. After all that he put Levi through after the war, Levi still thought highly of him and thought that he would be off doing good things, off living a good life. Maybe that was just Levi being hopeful that at least one of them made it out alright. 

Eren got off the bed and opened his closet and pulled out some clothes that he wanted to take with him. He looked at the laced up shirt that he wore for years. It had been stitched back together so many times, there were a few stains here and there on it. Eren had certainly outgrown it physically, but it had so many good memories with it. Eren looked at it fondly and decided to take it with him. He wouldn’t be wearing it of course, but he wanted to hold on to some good memories. 

Eren pulled out some clothes that he needed for practicality, and shoved them into one of the trunks he had in his room and tugged it out of his room. He grabbed a few necessities from his bathroom and dragged his trunk down the stairs.

He set it down by the front door a little louder than he intended to, and snapped Mikasa out of her trance-like state. Eren cleared his throat and walked over to her. She looked at him and his trunk in confusion, a mixture of hurt and relief lay behind her eyes. Eren opened his mouth to speak, but closed it and chose to pull his sister into a hug.

It wasn’t a tight one, but it didn’t need to be one. Mikasa rested her head on her brother’s shoulder and felt a tear slip out when he pulled away from her. “Mikasa… I… I think it’s time for me to leave. I need to find my own place.”

Mikasa nodded and knew Eren meant more than just a physical house. “Just know that you can always come back here… If you need to, that is.” Mikasa kept her mouth open like she had more to say, but noticed the money in Eren’s hand instead.

Eren offered her the money and gave her a sad smile. “Take it as some form of payment for all the pain I’ve put you through. I hope it will be enough to help you get settled into your own real place in life too.” Eren said sadly, and hoped that Mikasa understood what he really meant by that. Mikasa blinked away the tears in her eyes and looked up at him in shock.

“Will you have enough money on your own?” Her hands loosely wrapped around the money, ready to give it back if Eren changed his mind. 

“I know I will. I didn’t really spend much of the reward in the first place, I was too paranoid about losing it all.” Mikasa looked into Eren’s eyes to try and find any doubt, but didn’t find any, and gently took the money from him.

“Where do you plan on going?” She asked softly, setting the money down on the end table next to her.

“I want to try and live in a house by the beach like Levi thought I would.” Mikasa just nodded, finally getting a confirmation that Eren did in fact read the letter that was addressed to her and only her. Maybe she shouldn’t have just left it open on the counter, but it was still rude of Eren.

“Just send me a letter when you get settled in, I’m going to want to know how it’s going and where you are.” Mikasa got out of her chair and pulled Eren into one last hug.

“I will.” Eren nodded and gave her a tight squeeze. He turned to leave and grabbed his trunk before walking out the front door. He walked down the little street and told himself not to look back, until he wondered why he shouldn’t. It’s not like he was never going to see her again. So Eren looked back and saw Mikasa in the window with her hand on the glass. 

Oh, the sudden feeling of guilt. That’s why he shouldn’t look back. Eren gulped and turned back around. He didn’t regret leaving, he just regretted having caused her so many problems for so long. 

He handed some cash to one of the carriage drivers on the street and asked for him to take him to Shiganshina. He climbed in and kept his trunk held close to his chest, his fingers rubbing against the little metal fasteners that kept the leather in place. The ride was short, but it would have been a struggle to go on foot, so Eren was thankful for it. He politely waved good bye to the driver before continuing down the streets.

What used to be miles of ruins, were now marketplaces and new houses teeming with life. Flowers grew between the cracks in the pavement, children played in the water, and the scent of blood no longer stained the air. Not everything had changed in Shiganshina, however. Because of the value of his father’s basement, his childhood home was still in ruins, untouched, like it was over a decade ago. Eren didn’t dare walk over there today. 

His eyes scanned the market place until he felt a dagger like pain in his chest. He saw a short man talking to some wealthy merchant trying to sell low quality tea for twice the price of regular tea, and the man in front of him wasn’t having any of his crap. Eren could recognize that undercut anywhere, and stood frozen in place as he looked at Levi for the first time in years. 

He looked healthier. His skin wasn’t nearly as pale and deathly, his eyes weren’t weighed down by deep purple bags, and his eyes looked more alive. Eren was happy for him, yet felt more guilt. He wasn’t quite sure if he should have reached out to Levi more, or left him alone like he had. Eren panicked when Levi noticed someone was staring at him, and their eyes locked gazes for a brief second before Eren quickly ran through the market, away from his former lover.

He supposed today was just going to be a day full of pain. 

Eren quickly glanced back to see if Levi was behind him. He wasn’t. Eren let out a breath of relief and wondered if Levi had even followed him at all or if he saw Eren and couldn’t find it in himself to care whether or not the shifter walked right back out of his life again. Eren wasn’t sure which one of those two sounded better. He wanted Levi to be happy and mentally healthy, but he also wanted Levi to follow him for once. He wanted to know that Levi wanted him just as much as he had always longed to be with Levi. He needed to know that Levi still wanted him. But accepting the fact that Levi hadn’t followed him through the marketplace, made Eren’s heart sink again. 

Eren let his head fall as he continued shuffling through the streets with his trunk dragging behind him. He glanced down the streets that used to be so familiar to him. He felt better that his home town had been rebuilt, but the people here seemed to have completely forgotten how hard it was to retake this land. How hard it was to move on from all that pain. They would just never understand the life of a soldier. 

Eren kept his head down as he passed by rebuilt houses that he used to know. He could still remember some of the families that had lived there over a decade ago, that had died there over a decade ago. Eren found himself wishing that time would just stop for a while. He saw the world healing and reforming around him, but he wasn’t doing so himself. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Eren found himself stuck in the past way too much, and he didn’t know how to move on like the world around him did.

Eren’s mind wandered back to Levi. Eren felt happy that Levi seemed to finally be recovering from all the pain he was forced to go through. He found himself wishing that he could be like Levi. Or maybe he was just wishing that he was back with Levi again. His memories often turned into memories and fantasies of when he could hold his Captain in his arms, when he could actually talk to Levi. 

Eren found himself regretting how he tried to shove himself back into Levi’s life. He should have respected Levi’s space and needs instead of expecting Levi to try and fix him. Fuck, he must have looked like the shittiest boyfriend ever. He put his own mental illness above Levi’s and expected that to be okay.

Eren ran a hand through his hair and realized that Levi deserved better. Maybe Levi had found better. Sure, he hadn’t see a ring on Levi’s finger and he wasn’t physically standing with someone as far as Eren had seen, but maybe he had a new boyfriend. One that treated him better than Eren ever did. Eren let out a sigh and felt himself fight over the idea of whether or not it was better for Levi to move on. 

Eren eventually arrived at his destination and looked around at all the carriages and carts offering to take people to the Ocean and other destinations. Some of them charges prices that were way too high and absurd, others priced it so low that it was obvious that they would stop half way into the trip and just mug you instead. Eren had tried to overestimate for the carriage fare, but it must have gone up in price since he last travelled out. Eren’s face paled slightly when he realized he hadn’t left the walls in two years. 

Yeah, it was definitely time for him to go. He needed a change of pace, some fresh air, and a place where he wouldn’t be bothering and accidentally hurting his friends. He wasn’t planning on living in isolation forever, but he definitely needed to “simmer down”. And by simmer down, he meant that he needed to try and figure out how to deal with his mental illness and find some sort of temporary cure for it. 

Some soldiers claimed that the only medicine for the “war sickness”, as it was sometimes called, was alcohol. Others occasionally claimed that doing stretches in the morning and just “choosing to be happy” would solve their problems. Eren had tried both, and neither had worked for him. All he could hope was that the Ocean could be his cure. It sounded a little farfetched, but it was still better than the alternative of suffering in the walls.

Eren glanced around at the carriage drivers around him again, still struggling to decide which one would be better. He should probably just go with one of the more expensive ones because he was less likely to be robbed by one of them. But then another cart rolled up with a black horse leading it. Eren stood there, shocked to see that his Captain had chased after him. Levi hopped off of the horse and walked towards Eren. He found himself feeling both fear and relief that Levi wasn’t just going to let him go without saying something.

Levi opened his mouth to say something, but closed it when he realized that he had no idea what he could even say about their past two years, instead he decided to talk about something else entirely.

“These damn leeches charge too much around here, I could take you to where you need to go if you’d like.” He offered and found it hard to look directly into Eren’s eyes. 

“I’d like that.” Eren nodded, feeling his throat go dry as his guilt and regret strangled him. Levi picked up Eren’s trunk and put it in the back of his cart and climbed onto his horse. When he finally got situated, he turned to face Eren who was sitting in the cart next to his stuff. 

“Where do you need to go?” Levi asked softly, wondering if this was his last chance to see Eren. He never truly blamed Eren for trying to get back into his life. He blamed himself for not letting him. He blamed himself for pushing everyone else out of his life and putting his own needs before Eren’s. He loved Eren, and he needed to start showing that. That is, if Eren would let him. Levi would understand if Eren had already moved on, but the constipated look on Eren’s face told him differently, and Mikasa didn’t mention anything about Eren having a new lover in her letter.

Levi had spent two years trying to heal himself, and he succeeded for the most part, but he knew he needed to reach out to other people again if he wanted to be really healed. His memories always brought him back to memories of being in Eren’s arms, laying next to him in the morning, looking up at the cold night sky next to him and looking at the bright stars in the sky. None of them were ever as bright as Eren’s eyes. 

He missed Eren, and he knew that it would never go back to the way it used to be during the war, but he was willing to take whatever love Eren would give him. No one had made him feel like Eren did, and it felt like such a vital and important thing he needed in his life. 

Levi didn’t really know what he was doing, rushing out here to offer Eren a ride, but dammit he was going through with this plan. He wasn’t going to force Eren to talk to him if he didn’t want to, but being alone with Eren for several hours seemed like a safe way to get Eren to start talking. It also meant that if Eren did lash out and started yelling, then no one else would be around to hear it and Eren could just let it out.

“I need to go to the outpost about five miles from the Ocean.” Eren answered, staring down at his hands in his lap. Levi nodded before telling his horse to get moving. They travelled through Wall Maria’s outer gate in silence and didn’t make eye contact with each other. Levi started to panic when it looked like Eren was about to take a nap in the back instead of talking to him, so he quickly thought of something to talk about.

“So, uh, why are you heading out to the ocean?” Levi wanted to slap himself for choosing such a shitty conversation starter, but oh well. At least it woke Eren up a little and he sat up in the back of the cart.

“I’m moving out there, I’ve decided it’s time that I let Mikasa live her own life. And I need to just leave the walls.” Eren admitted, he almost wanted to tell Levi that he was leaving because of what Levi said in his letter, but he didn’t want to confess that he had read the message that wasn’t intended for him. That wouldn’t exactly be a good way to try and restart a relationship, right?. Eren sighed and wondered if he should give up on this before he truly began.

“That’s good, I think we both need to leave these walls and move on.” Levi nodded. “And you don’t have to sit with the cargo if you don’t want to, you can join me up here if you’d like.” Levi couldn’t just order Eren to join him on his horse, but he wished he could. Eren looked uncomfortable sitting next to his own trunk and Levi’s crates and bags. 

Levi had wanted to just leave the walls and the large empty house. He tried to convince himself that he had always wanted that house. He had always dreamed of having a house all to himself, but the silence in the morning almost hurt. So, he had packed his bags and things into a cart that he bought cheaply during the winter. His stuff just sat there for months while Levi wondered if leaving the walls would be the right thing. He felt like an idiot for being hesitant to leave, but he felt like he was missing something. 

But when he saw Eren in the market place, he just knew that he needed to follow. He told the shitty tea vendor to go fuck himself and he broke out into a sprint to his house and hopped on his horse and hoped that he was correct in guessing where Eren was heading. Thankfully he was right, and Eren was in the cart with him.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you-“ Eren started, but Levi cut him off.

“You won’t make me uncomfortable.” 

Eren’s eyes widened as the cart slowed down so that Eren could climb onto Levi’s horse behind him. He wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist as the horse picked up its speed again. Eren felt his face flushing the same way it did years ago. Levi could feel Eren’s heat radiating onto his back and felt like he had a better chance at winning Eren favor again.

They were silent for the next hour or so, and Eren wrapped his arms tighter around Levi, and rested his head on Levi’s shoulders. He started to feel like Levi was trying to show that he returned his feelings, but maybe Levi was just more open and borderline flirty with everyone now that he seemed to be doing better. It was very unlikely though.

Eren tried to resist the urge to nuzzle his head into Levi’s neck, but failed. He gently rubbed his hair into Levi’s neck, and before he could pull away and realize what he had just did, Levi leaned into it. Eren couldn’t believe it, but didn’t want to question it. Levi, however, did want to question it.

“Eren, not to be too forward, but…” Levi’s voice trailed off as he realized there wasn’t anything he could say to gently bring up what he wanted to talk about, but Eren knew exactly what Levi was trying to get at.

“I think I still love you, Levi.” Eren confessed and sighed when Levi froze up in his arms. “b-but if you don’t that’s cool…” 

Levi took in a shaky breath and put a hand over Eren’s when he tried to pull his hands away from Levi’s waist. “I’ve missed you so damn much, Eren. I’m so tired of being alone. I shouldn’t have shut you out like that.”

“Levi you needed to be alone to heal, I should have understood that. I shouldn’t have been so aggressive with you.” Eren sighed and held onto Levi tighter again.

“We were just incompatible at that time… we were both broken and didn’t know how to fix each other without hurting ourselves. But I’m doing better now and maybe we could try again…” Levi suggested and shrugged gently. 

“I… I would like that.” Eren smiled into Levi’s neck. Levi’s mare whinnied loudly, as if she was telling them to get a room. Levi and Eren couldn’t take it, and the tension dissolved completely as they broke out into real laughter. It was amazing what could make you laugh sometimes.

The rest of their trip was light hearted as they continued to apologize for their earlier mistakes, and made promises to each other. They set up boundaries and rules to make sure that what happened between them wouldn’t happen so suddenly again. Eren promised to give Levi some space if he needed it, and Levi promised to let Eren vent if he needed it. They both agreed to talk to each other openly about how they were doing. 

They told each other they weren’t going to dive right back into their relationship like they had before, and would talk to each other before taking major steps forward. Despite the fact that they were supposed to be going slow, they both agreed to move in with each other this time. Neither of them really wanted to be alone with only their own minds to keep themselves company. Plus it would make it easier to manage a household.

They arrived at the outpost the next morning, deciding to just power through the night and not stop to rest. Instead, Levi and Eren traded off driving the cart. Levi’s horse, Isabel, seemed to go faster when Levi riding her. Eren just assumed that meant that she liked him better, which was highly likely since Levi had raised her. 

It turns out that after the Survey Corps disbanded, they sold off the horses to local farms. Levi didn’t get to say good bye to his horse that had served him so well during the war. So one of the first things he did to start coming out of his isolation, was to try and track down the farm that his horse was sold to. He eventually found her in a farm in Wall Rose. 

The farmer there had used his horse for breeding, so when Levi bought his horse back, he didn’t realize that she was pregnant at the time. A few months later she gave birth to a tiny little black foal. Levi decided to name her Isabel and raised her, and found comfort in her when her mother died four months later. She was relatively young for a horse, but she had just been through too much in her life. Levi buried her on his lot.

Loosing yet another friend from the war pushed Levi back into isolation for a while, but he did his best to raise Isabel into a strong, powerful mare. She ended up being just as spunky as her namesake. Taking care of her felt therapeutic to him, and she was probably one of the reasons that made her reach out to Mikasa instead of choosing to die alone like he had planned before. Levi didn’t have as many powerful memories with Isabel, but he loved her just as much as he had loved her mother. Levi was glad that she would be joining them in the life that he was starting with Eren.

They gathered some supplies from the outpost and rested there while they ate their breakfast. Levi let Isabel rest and get a drink while he and Eren spent some time to stretch out their legs and get their blood flowing after sitting in uncomfortable positions for so long.

Thankfully they had traveled the majority of the way to the Ocean, so they didn’t have much further to go. They smelled the salty air a mile away and Eren felt giddy as he saw the dirt road slowly transition to a sandy beach. Eren and Levi spent some time discussing where they wanted to settle down. Eren suggested right on the shore, but Levi worried about flooding and suggested they build a house back in the forests and have their house a couple miles away from the beach. But they agreed to build their house on one of the cliffs next to the water. There was about three meters between their house and the cliff’s edge, so they had enough room to plant a garden. They had to build a stone fence tall enough to keep Isabel out of their crops, because she kept eating the carrots they had just planted. 

Their house took a while to be built, but while Levi wasn’t particularly talented or creative when it came to drawing, he was excellent and creative when it came to sketching out a floor plan for the house. Their house was comfortable and it managed to balance the feeling of being cozy yet roomy. 

Mikasa, Armin, and the rest of their surviving friends visited from time to time and Levi and Eren offered them lodging if they ever wanted to spend a week at the beach. And of course, Eren and Levi came to visit their friends when they were having parties or celebrations. Like when Mikasa finally got engaged to Jean. 

Eren was so happy when he saw Mikasa finally break out of her depression at least a little bit. He still had his issues with Jean, but Jean had managed to get back on his feet, get a job, and make his sister happy before Eren had. So, Eren really couldn’t talk shit about Jean. Plus, Jean had moved on from loving Mikasa on a purely for her looks, but now it was clear that he respected Mikasa and loved everything about her. 

Their wedding was bitter sweet as only a handful of their friends were still alive to attend it.  
When Eren and Levi rode back on Isabel to the Ocean, Eren brought up the idea of marriage, and Levi stayed silent for a while. Levi honestly never thought about getting married to anyone. If he was going to get married, then he was going to get married to Eren. That’s for damn sure.

But did they need to get married? I mean they already lived together like a married couple. They had already talked about possibly adopting a child, but they agreed it would be a bad idea since they lived so far from anyone else and their child would be very lonely. They had already confessed their deepest love and promised to be there for each other till the end of their lives. I mean, they were practically already married. The only thing they really needed was rings, Levi wouldn’t mind getting some of those.

But he didn’t particularly want a wedding. He didn’t want to have some priest there and he didn’t particularly want a party to celebrate something that’s been going on for years. Although cake did sound nice. But any cake that they had at their party wouldn’t be nearly as good as anything Eren could bake. 

Eren had discovered that he was pretty damn good at cooking, especially meat pies and cakes. On weekdays, Levi would go out early, hunting and bring back birds, rabbits, and occasionally deer, and Eren would make them into the tastiest roasts. On weekends, when Levi had saved up enough meat, Eren would get up early and make his lover a nice warm breakfast to share in bed. 

It took them a while, but eventually, Eren and Levi found the perfect balance in their little home by the ocean. 

After Eren was done reminiscing on his memories, he glanced back at the ocean he had been sitting by for that last hour or so, and walked into their little house. He saw Levi sitting on the sofa sipping some chamomile tea and reading one of the books Armin recommended for him. Eren smiled and sat down next to his lover and leaned against Levi. Both sighed in contentment, feeling truly happy with their lives for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's the end of it! I might continue if enough people want me to

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! ❤


End file.
